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I have read a number of books on parenting written by psychologists and PhDs who say that they have solutions for all the problems. None of those books impressed me or made me a better parent. White Oleander, which is not a parenting book at all, but just great fiction, affected me so deeply and had a tremendous effect on my life. It helped me see the world through my daughter’s eyes, experience her feelings, and understand the painful need kids have for their parent’s attention, approval, and most of all – their mother’s love.
White Oleander is a story about a girl, Astrid, whose mother is put in prison for murder. Astrid goes through a serious of foster homes and five foster mothers. Each of her “mothers” has a different personality and attitude to life, and it is amazing and completely convincing how Astrid changes with every mother – her behavior, her beliefs, her clothes, her ambitions, her self-confidence and self-worth. In one house she becomes a devout catholic, in another she smokes pot and contemplates suicide. In a matter of weeks, with a new very loving “mother”, Astrid become a good student, takes professional art classes, goes to museums and plans on going to college. Her view of herself goes through gradual but dramatic transformations depending on how her “mother” sees her.
Her real mother is a constant shadow in Astrid’s life. They used to send letters to each other, and this way Astrid wanted to get her mother’s support. When she fails to get the approval she craves so much, she does not want it anymore; she just wants to get a shock, a reaction. Although Astrid’s mother claimed to love her daughter, she was not convinced and kept on searching for evidence till she became an adult.
A number of people are just too selfish to get married; regrettably several mothers are also too selfish to have kids. For such parents their own interests are more important as compared to their children’s. Several people, especially mothers, like to have another person under their control who can be dominated and manipulated emotionally. That was the case of Astrid’s real mother. It is interesting to see how Astrid struggles to accept the fact that even though she loves her mother, she does not like her, and does not agree with the choices her mother made in her life. It takes a lot of soul-searching and maturity for her to realize that she is not her mother, and she does not have to repeat her mother’s mistakes.
This book is a very important read for all parents, especially mothers, for all children, who have by now become parents themselves. It helped me to understand about my connection with my mother and all my experiences of emotions and feeling. It also helped me to be clearly aware of how my young daughters depend on my words, reactions and behavior, and how desperately all of us including adults and children need mother’s love.
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