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Discovering My Stripes as a Mom

When the book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom” was released, the topic of parenting styles dominated conversations nationally when moms gathered for their weekly Starbucks gatherings. Amy Chua’s book exhibits what she describes as the Chinese-style or Tiger Mom strategy to parenting, and includes a checklist of items from for no reason allowing slumber parties to never accepting a grade less than an A. The tome touched a nerve, including several nerves in my neighborhood. Apprehensive parents commented on the strict and severe character of her style, and critiqued and evaluated their own philosophies. As I sipped my hazelnut mocha and listened, I secretly admired the courage of Chua’s convictions. In contrast, I realized that I really didn’t know how to articulate my approach to parenting. I had twin boys about to enter middle school and a six-year-old daughter, but no parenting mission statement. I was winging it all this time with no game plan.

I dove into research and discovered there are four ways of parenting: uninvolved, permissive, authoritative and authoritarian. The consequences of uninvolved parenting result in children who grow up in short supply of self-control and exhibiting less competence than their peers. Parents who adopt the permissive technique spoil and indulge their children out of love with an objective of keeping harmony in the household but end up with children who have little self-control as they mature. Permissive parents focus on being friends with their child, but this can cause problems in school and with authority down the road. I marked those two approaches off my list and progressed to the next two.

Children are supposed to adhere to clear rules and guidelines with authoritative parents. When children fall short of these standards, these parents are more forgiving and nurturing than punishing. Discipline is helpful and developed around a consensus or understanding. This leads to children who are happy, capable and successful. Finally, there is the old fashioned, demanding technique of authoritarian parenting. This is the drill sergeant style of “because I said so” parenting. Swift punishment occurs when high demands aren’t met. These children rank low in happiness and self-esteem but they are obedient and proficient.

At first it seemed the authoritative route was the obvious choice. For instance, when I received an email about our son talking and laughing too much in math class, his father and I discussed respect and self-discipline with our son who then apologized to his teacher. If we were “nice and cool” permissive parents, we would have said, “Boys will be boys,” but instead we addressed the instance as authoritative parents. However, when less than two weeks later we received a second email regarding the same exact problem, we needed to adopt the authoritarian parent approach by restricting his television and confiscating his iTouch until an improvement in his behavior. Forgiveness and consensus-building took a back seat because of the repeat offense, but we sent a strong message and the emails stopped.

The fact remains that we don’t live in a perfect world where research results easily transfer to reality. Nor do I live in a perfect household as a perfect mom with perfect children. It seems a mix of techniques works best with the distinct personalities in our home. I’m glad that being a Tiger Mom gets results for Amy Chua. I’m uncertain what jungle animal works best for me, but to remain effective for our family, my parenting animal mascot will be in a constant state of evolution.